I struggle to understand how I sometimes see things differently to others. The one instant everything looks familiar and the next everything is estranged to me and I get very uncomfortable. I find myself relating to people and characters that I have no connection to, yet so much between us draws us together. I'm not even sure why I get so emotional. I would burst out screaming to attempt to just exhale the feelings, bring out the tears and slide out of the weight and responsibilities that I seem to hold.

I should probably not be allowed to think too much. Maybe a resolution for the year to come. Maybe a realization of the meaning to my thoughts. I step back and wait, they are too powerful to drift in them without a purpose. To be honest I don't even want to burden anyone with them, so I write it on the Internet, where all things go in the end...


Anyway, a period of my childhood saw it's final closure today. I wish that a door would open soon to fill the gap with some light, any light. I hope for a brighter few months to come, I honestly need it.

Things don't stay the same, this is a fact of life. But why? What changes, or a better question, who changes?

Life is an amazing thing, you sometimes get these down to earth opportunities that arise in which you can grow as an individual, expand your horizons and build stronger relationships. I feel that the problem comes in when people, friends or family, grow at different rates. I was bewildered tonight when I spent some time with old friends just to see on what different levels we are functioning. It seems that most of them are still pretty much equal with each other? Yet, I wish I could say the same for me. We are at such different places in our lives that I struggle to connect with them, let alone manage a conversation.

It seems that they have decided on a way how to deal with life and stopped looking for alternatives. This is not me, will never be me and for the life of me will never be good enough! I struggle to comprehend how they are so complacent in their relationships when I see red lights flashing for imminent conflict? I wish to understand them better because I need to learn the path that I don't want to follow.

How people hang on to habits, hang on to that sense of comfort in the expected, astounds me. There is so much better- more positive, more fulfilling, more you...

Break free people.

It sucks realising the truth, but the pain of honesty is far better than a lie.

No, it doesn't work like that. You don't assume what's happening in my life, you ask me. Respect me enough to speak to me. I'm a failure I know, I allow myself to think so. You expect me to stop being myself for the sake of your selfish attitude. Just leave, I don't want to see you. I don't want to see your beautiful face, I don't want to smell your hair when you walk past, I never want to feel your soft touch again. Go ahead and avoid me, pick at my selfworth with your nails. Scratch away, get what you demand and for once and all, fuck off.

I can tell you this now, I will not speak about this very soon again. I was infuriated this morning when I attended a church meeting where the preacher spoke with such arrogance about him being right, and how other religions seemed to be confused about interpretations. Are you serious? Do you really think that we can comprehend our God and say what is right and what is wrong? No. You have no more authority than a two year old to decide what is the right interpretation. Nobody knows and nobody will know till our lives come to an end. It is as simple as that. Discriminating against other religions doesn't empower your own.

Religion is not the same as being spiritual, and visa versa. I've felt for a very long time now that religion is one of the biggest things in the way of people reaching spirituality. Religion is not the only way to praise and honour God. Investing time in people, being a force for good and thanking God for a beautiful sunrise is just as respectful, if not more, than singing songs in a church and listening to preacher. Expressing your thankfulness towards God comes in many ways. It doesn't need to be forcefully imprinted in your mind, it doesn't have time limits and in no way does it have a 'exclusivity'.

Love, grace and light are symbols of God. Heaven and hell are plainly your proximity to Him. Heaven is being near him, having understanding, light and melting into his grace. Whereas hell is being in the dark, almost losing out on the good stuff? The scripts provide us with tools to get closer to him. The different interpretations evolved into different pathways to God. It doesn't matter on which path you are, as long as you are actively seeking Him, seeking the truth.

I will never say that this is the answer, it is merely my opinion. I wish for everyone in this world to find peace in their lives. That is all.

I'm sitting here, realising that there isn't much left of us. I saw you, you saw me. I spoke, you didn't. I gave, you received. I tried, you noticed.

That's not what I signed up for, get out of my head. You have no reason to be here.

My heart seems to be settling in the dust of my previous relationship. It's been over two months but I still want to rip out my hair, rip out my eyes and scratch my skin till I bleed when I think about it. It was so sad. The destruction that I caused is only becoming clear to me now. I feel that the most intimidating thing is that I don't know if this is what I intended to do? There is a part of me that says yes and a part of me that says no, isn't there always. Let's meet again in the middle of the farmers market, let's go sit on the hill and overlook the city, let's see how far we can climb up this time...before slowly slipping again. Before realising that neither of us has changed. Before missing our blood bank appointment. We both knew there was only two ways to end this dance and we might never know how it would've been.